in a world w/ too many love songs & not enough love

Sat, 08 Jul 2006 17:15:26 GMT

I HAVE A LOT OF EMOTION IN ME WRITE NOW. IM LETTING IT COME OUT IN SOME OF MY FAVORITE SONGS OR WHATEVER.. BECAUSE THATS WHAT GETS ME THROUGH. I KNOW PEOPLE SAY IT ALL THE TIME, BUT MUSIC REALLY IS AN AMAZING THING. ITS REJUVINATING, IT CAN CHANGE YOU, YOU JUST GOTTA LET YOURSELF GO AND BE ABLE TO FEEL IT.. I SWEAR IVE HAD A CHANGE OF HEART, HERE..

Maybe if my heart stops beating it won't hurt this much and never will i have to answer again to anyone. please don't get me wrong. because i'll never let this go but i can't find the words to tell you. i don't wanna be alone but now i feel like i don't know you. one day you'll get sick of saying that everything's alright and by then i'm sure i'll be pretending just like i am tonight. please don't get me wrong. because i'll never let this go but i can't find the words to tell you.

[I put this one in first because I bet Ill take this one out later, because I know its just a temporary feeling, the doubting of ones relationship. But for the first time since things have been getting really good again with us, Alex kind gave me an ultimatum. It was sad, and it was scary, and Im not sure I really know him. It sounds ridiculous but he was one kid I never thought would go, never would give up on me, I know hes finally just looking out for himself but still, it hurts. Words of not being with him have come out of my mouth recently, but thought of it actually happening never really occurred until last night. I dont like it. Im not sure I can feel safe..]

and it's all in the summarization of the event. a response so general and submissive, you'd comprehend. i suppose i've been busy without you, though in thinking only. the sharp pain returns. you know, that one in your chest that exceeds your greatest fear of what pain was capable of. an achievement of sorts to forget the little things about you, or so i thought. but my memory supersedes my will. the cautious and tempting balance of myself and the others around me. there are days i wonder how you'd react to the signal entering your room. so how's your head been, dear? does it swirl like mine? can you wake in the morning without a thought of me? do you wake at all? the continuing struggle to learn your new language and get myself back in that pattern of yours. i'll admit to you anything you see fit. i'm not sure i've ever felt different.

[Mark and all his weird way of talking that I tend not to understand but still manage to love. This was in his journal a lot time ago. I saved it. I read it all the time. Im weird.]

We deny that we're tired, we deny that we're scared, we deny how badly we want to succeed. And most importantly, we deny that we're in denial. We only see what we want to see and believe what we want to believe, and it works. We lie to ourselves so much that after a while the lies start to seem like the truth. We deny so much that we can't recognize the truth right in front of our faces.

[I Stole this off of Katies away one day.. it was just too fitting not too.]

"I was a little girl and somebody made a shitty latch. That's what I think. That's what I think about the whole thing, OK? And I'm not gonna take those drugs anymore, because they have left me completely fucking numb. I have felt so fucking numb to everything I have experienced in my life, OK? And for that... for that I'm here to forgive you. You've always said that all you wanted was for us to have whatever it is we wanted, right? Well, maybe, what Mom wanted more than anything is for it to all be over, and for me, what I want more then anything in the world, is for it to be OK with you for me to feel something again...even if it's pain."

[Simply amazing. Un-simply, me.]

As life goes on I'll live and I'll love. I won't look back or forward, but only to the people standing right next to me. For those are the ones who will catch me when I fall. I'll suffer shattering break-ups and amazing first kisses. I'll go to rich places and trashy ones, but the next one will be as fabulous as the last. I'll fall in love again and again, and I'll ruin one thing after another. The person I count on most will back out on me at some point, and I'll do the same to someone else. I'll live, I'll grow up, and most importantly, I'll learn. One day I'll be something, something special and perfect for who I am. Some will see me and think "I knew she could do it" and others will wonder "How did she do it". But regardless, I'm going to do it. And I'm going to look around and appreciate every second of it.

[the lack of determination in me for the past three years as been incredible. Now that its finally making and appearence I swear no one has a stronger belief in me, than me.]

But the lows are so extreme that the good seems fucking cheap and it teases you for weeks in its absence. but you'll fight and you'll make it through, you'll fake it if you have to and you'll show up to work with a smile, you'll be better and you'll be smarter and more grown up and a better daughter or son and a real good friend and you'll be awake, you'll be alert, you'll be positive though it hurts and you'll laugh and embrace all your friends, you'll be a real good listener, you'll be honest, you'll be brave, you'll be handsome and you'll be beautiful, you'll be happy..

[ Im looking forward to the future. To happiness.]

I CANT REALLY EXPRESS IN WORDS HOW I FEEL RIGHT NOW TO MAKE ANYONE UNDERSTAND, BUT I GUESS THATS KINDA MY FIRST STEP, ACCEPTING THAT NO ONE REALLY HAS TO UNDERSTAND EXCEPT ME. I HATE THAT, AND HONESTLY ITS LIKE THE HEARDEST THING FOR ME.

Thu, 06 Jul 2006 19:40:34 GMT

MOST OF YOU HAVE PROBABLY HEARD THE NEWS ABOUT BILL CUNNINGHAM BY NOW. HE WAS ONLY 22 YEARS OLD AND HE DIED IN A MOTORCYCLE ACCIDENT. IT'S A TERRIBLE THING THAT HAPPENED, AND NOT ONLY THAT, BUT HE WAS MY BOYFRIEND'S UNCLE. MORE LIKE A FRIEND. THEY HUNG OUT, HAD GOOD TIMES AND SHARED THE PASSION FOR BASKETBALL. ALEX HAS GOOD MEMORIES WITH HIM HE'LL REMEMBER FOREVER AS IM SURE A LOT OF PEOPLE DO. I KNOW PARLA USED TO RIDE WITH HIM SOMETIMES TOO SO IT'S GOOD TO KNOW WE CAN ALL RELATE SOMEHOW AND GO THROUGH THIS ALL TOGETHER. PEOPLE SAY IT ALL THE TIME, BUT JUST NOW AM I BEGINNING TO LEARN THAT LIFE GETS HARD BUT YOU JUST GOTTA KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON. I'VE DECIDED IT REALLY IS WORTH IT NOW. AND I MEAN IT THIS TIME.

I SPENT THE MOST AMAZING WEEK WITH THE LOVE OF MY LIFE AWAY FROM ALL THE CRAZINESS OF MY HOME AND I REALIZED HOW TRULY IN LOVE WE REALLY ARE. I FEEL FOR HIM MORE THAN EVER, AND I JUST WANT EVERYONE TO THINK GOOD THOUGHTS FOR BILLY AND EVERYONE WHO IS DEALING WITH IT. IT'S A HARD THING, BUT I GUESS THAT'S LIFE. I STILL DON'T BELIEVE EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON BUT I KNOW THERES STILL A LESSON LEARNED OR PEOPLE BEING MADE STRONGER.

P.S. I ALWAYS KNEW I'D BE FAMOUS, BUT HELLOOOO. FRONT PAGE OF SECTIOB B IN THE PAPER TODAY. WASSUUUP? HAH. HOSPITALS SUCK, BUT AGAIN, I REALIZED I REALLY AM CARED ABOUT, ATLEAST BY ONE PERSON. HE MEANS THE WORLD TO ME, TOO.

P.P.S. AND CAROLYN, I STILL MISS YOU LIKE CRAZY.
I NEED YOU.

Mon, 26 Jun 2006 18:08:13 GMT

Do you ever just get in one of those moods where you are just so overwhelmed with some kind of emotion that you need to get away? It can even be a good emotion, like love or happiness but it's just so intense you don't know what to do with it? Last night it hit me how unhappy I really am, I thought once school was over and the stress was gone it'd all be better, but I was wrong. I'm missing friends and hating home, it seems like those are always a constant in my life and there's obviously nothing I can do about it. I mean, if people cared as much as I do about our relationship [or lack there of, now] they'd still be with me in a sense of fighting for it, but apparently not. That alone speaks loudly. Anyway, last night out of nowhere I had an urge to go to the park to swing. Maybe it's because earlier I read Kess was walking to Granby to swing, who knows. But I grabbed my iPod and walked there, at like 10:00. I sat in that park swinging, dancing and singing my lungs out for two entire hours. People walked by and they didn't stop me, it sounds ridiculous and I sound crazy but it got so much out of me. Normally I wouldn't do these things in public without friends to look silly with me, but it seriously, was like indescribable. Rejuvenating doesn't even come close. Walking home after all that felt good, I haven't smiled walking into my house in.. I can't even remember.. I don't really know where I'm going with all of this.. but guess what? At least I'm in love.

Thu, 22 Jun 2006 03:37:34 GMT

i havent written in here in a long time. livejournal on my home computer hasnt worked for a while for some reason, so alex is mad at me and went to get food so im on his computer. we're cute though. even when we're fighting. tonight he threw me in the pool and stuff, i love "fights" like that, i pretend to hate it but its adorable. he's adorable. so school is finally out and a huge amount of stress has been lifted off my shoulders. even though idk if i passed the american history regents. and its true what they say about 3rd times being a charm, because i got a 70 on math b bayybee! ha. i miss carolyn, who would have thought summer would break apart the best friend, sister, shopping budding, turban TWIN, pairs hilton loving, fix it-ing (etc) in the world from me? i guess things have just been crazy with everyone around me because things in my house have been that way so i've been at alex's as much as i can pretty much. it sounds ridiculous because not that long ago i was like, hated here, but it feels more like a family here than i ever felt at home. idk. i miss other stuff too. especially mash. i went through and read their journals tonight from a long time ago and got sad, im not sure why i push people away. im an idiot. hopefully thigns will look up, i mean c'mon "summa ohsix.. lets get drunk and be somebody".

Wed, 24 May 2006 21:32:29 GMT

bobby ether is my soulmate. of this i am sure.
even though he calls me a retard
when his dad says something in norwegian
and i ask if theyre from norwegia. : ]

Tue, 23 May 2006 21:02:01 GMT

i am done trying until you begin.
& oh, i am sick of these ups and downs.

Sun, 21 May 2006 15:58:39 GMT

PROM, YO.

the dress looked so much better when i first put it on.
& with blond hair.

i shoulda got this dress.

paige's boobs sure did look nice that night. POKE!

wiiiicked dark.

whole gang w/ limooo.

theyre my best friends. and they love each other. aww.

we won the poufiest skirts award.

Mick & Andy.

michelle, gab, katy, chels

yeah, im darker than urvi. ha.

skating coach. <3

brother.

nickle!

other nick. oh la laaa.

"momma, its my prom. now put these on and smile!"

fly as the sky

dark goddesses. ha.

me n mick in the limo. we were the only ones dancing. losers.

me n michelle.

megret! I loved her ensemble.

pretty much my fav. boy everrr

mawkie fwuce. whatta hottie.

i could not miss her more. leahrose. <3

we're cute. me and katyatherine.

JOEY BAYYBEE!

my mom liked to take weirdo shots.

sistaaaa.

me n miss gabrielle.

evanboy.

dannykins!

chelseaa.

chelsea #2. ha

me n casey.

turban twin. say whaa?

she got two pics with me. i bet she felt ultra special.

will&grace.

angel pangel.

amberr.

amanda hottie.

amanda.

adam!

abbgirl.

MASH.

mark.vesh.me.

LTDlove!

thats hot.

limooo.

girls, girls, girls.

(leah was late)

garders!

everyone. minus leah.

favs & dinner.

divaaaa.

lovers<3

cuties.

miss 'em.

i was getting sick of uploading them all. so thats all you get to see. ha.

Sat, 20 May 2006 02:08:47 GMT

my nose ring is out. but replaces with a bellybutton ring. ha. tink is losing her baby teeth so she stopped biting so much. i am for the most part caught up in school, even though m grades still manage to suck. and my birthday is in 2 days. hollaaaa.

i need to get prom pictures uploaded and in here prontooo

Tue, 16 May 2006 18:37:16 GMT

i feel sick of writing in this lately. and i barely ever do. idk why i started to again in the first place. kinda to just get stuff out there, but i started to write in my real journal again so this really isnt all that necessary. someone i dont know from myspace sent me a message about something i wrote in my profile. like, how i feel the need to have everyone understand every aspect about what happened in my past and why i am the way that i am and all this stuff.. and it kidna touched me. like some person from accross the country and i had like a heart to heart and it was sincerely touching. and i dont wanna be that way anymore, and ive been saying it for so long but not really working on it. the people im close to know the things they need to know, and the rest, i just shouldnt care about i guess. so maybe ill just stop writing in this, who knows. im in a weird mood..

Tue, 16 May 2006 18:36:55 GMT

We all want something beautiful, I wish I was beautiful.
So come dance this silence down through the morning.
Sha la la la yeah, and pass me a bottle, Mr. Jones.
Believe in me, help me believe in anything,
CAUSE I WANT TO BE SOMEONE WHO BELIEVES.

Fri, 12 May 2006 19:20:32 GMT

so i mick dyed my hair. the color didnt take. a day later i dyed it. first dirty blond, which semi worked and then i highlighted it. so uhm, i dont really know what color it is right now, i just call it nasty. but uhm, after my game its gonna be brown. dark brown. im scared. prom is tomorrow. i say, screw authority, im doing what i want. hah. anyway, mark and leah come home tonight im i cant even tell you how excited i am. i love seeing people i love who i havent seen in forever. and my skating coach is coming to see me get all pretty. cause obviously i havent been skating much. well, figure that is. alex is going to make me like a pro skaterboarder. pshh. OH! and i got a car. i officially get it monday. its like, a dodge. and its blue. thats all i really know. things are okay i guess, i just wish people would stop lying to me. and to themselves.

PROM TOMORROWWWW! HOLLAAAA!

Wed, 10 May 2006 20:57:10 GMT

in a few hours i will be hannah the blond again.
hollaaa! im so friggin excited! i love you mick!

Sun, 07 May 2006 15:08:59 GMT

so i already got a lot of help from kess and a few other people but im just not really sure yet, so all your hard core photographers that im jealous of, i need help picking out a new digital cameraaa! and also, im jealous of all you writers, too. i used to feel semi artistic, but now i just suck.

and also! something to add to the list of han's professions:

Bowler Extroidanaire.

Sat, 06 May 2006 16:38:05 GMT

I am flawed, but I am cleaning up so well.
I AM SEEING IN ME NOW,
THE THINGS YOU SWEAR YOU SAW YOURSELF.

that pretty much sums it up.
that and, i miss you.

Sat, 06 May 2006 02:34:56 GMT

today i became a professional skateboarder. it was so great.
i go off curbs, and turn, and do tricks.
i'm so mother effing amazing.

i have a cancer benefit for a really nice girl's mom and stuff tomorrow. i have to play bass. and for some stupid reason i made alex come play with me. he shows me up so bad its not even funny. anyway, i thought about getting out of it for selfish reasons. but i realized how stupid i am. i dont know, but pretty much if i dont hear mark play drums soon, ill die.

Fri, 05 May 2006 01:59:39 GMT

"Pain, you just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers, you just breath deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed but sometimes the pain gets you where you least expect it. Hits way below the belt and doesn't let up. Pain, you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can't outrun it and life always makes more."
-Greys Anatomy

really read that. its perfect.
i miss watching that show.

on a scale of 1-10 of happiness..
two weeks ago i was like in the negatives.
so now, being at like, a 5 isntthat bad.

Thu, 04 May 2006 20:54:30 GMT

mother nature and i are currently best friends. practice was cancelled after 3 sprints. so we proceeded to dance and sing to nsync and other great stuff like that. then i got really excited cause i though i would go see evan in phoenix but then baseball got canelled, too. so now me and mick are hanging cause i love her and we're going to some losers softball game and then im going to the dance recital with chicken legs. ha. i love it. i love it when care is healthy, too.
FEEL BETTER, I LOVE YOU. MOST! FOREVER!

Thu, 04 May 2006 18:38:16 GMT

so, after i drove myself to my appointment and was told that it was yesterday, i came home and had a nice chat with my dad. if someone asks if me and my dad get along, i would talk about how cool of a dad he is. i mean he really is hilarious sometimes. but thinking about a whole bunch of stuff lately on this whole path to "getting better" i realized i dont even know him. like we never talk-talk. ever. it's really quite sad. but anyway, he was telling me about how the kids in his school are doing all this fun stuff because its like gym teacher week in the US or somethin' somethin' and seriously.. fulton sucks. we never do anything fun. my mom told me that i could switch school like a month ago, and i really considered it. and when i have a bad day or something, i tell her im gonna go there next year. my problem? i keep making rash decisions. my life needs to slow the hell down. for serious.

Tue, 02 May 2006 22:31:32 GMT

"i just had a work out from all the thinking i just did"

we had to make it to leah's dad's work. it was pretty great. i love carolyn, i really dont know what i'd do without her. and i really like it how people have no responsibility and make it so we hafta whipe out our bank accounts. if my computer wasnt being so dumb lately i would make this font bigger for my emphasis. whateverrr.

Tue, 02 May 2006 21:20:15 GMT

swing dancing for 80 minutes every morning.
yeah, i can dig it.

Mon, 01 May 2006 01:28:49 GMT

virginia was grand. a few mishaps but i guess everything is okay. i rode on rollercoasters. in the front row on the ends even. voluntarily, of course. my favorite part was getting my orange bracelet. yum. :) i think i am well on my way to being happy again, and for the first time in a while, i actually sincerely believe it.

<3

Thu, 27 Apr 2006 21:00:53 GMT

i pretty much dont really say things unless i mean them. i tend to get upset and possibly say things out of spite but later on, if that was the case, ill take it back. so pretty much no questions are needed to be asked to me at this point. i probably couldnt even begin to answer any questions due to lack of all brain and physical power left in me. i got my prom tickets today, even though things kind of suck in that area, im pretty pumped now. ha. im yet to pack for virginia, and we leave at like 6am tomorrow. so thats good. we have rehearsal in like an hour, and with the week i just had plus the no-showering deal i'd probably kill the entire bass section so i think i better get going on all of this. i hope this trip gets my mind off everything, even though i guess things arent even that bad anymore. i pretty much love rollercoasters. and i pretty much love you.

Thu, 27 Apr 2006 21:00:33 GMT

i'm uneasy. and i'm weak in the knees, and i'm trying not to breathe. not believing, not believing you're gone. and i was the one to let you. i'm staring at the clock but the clock doesn't talk, it just stands still. a head full of fuzz and a puzzle that adds up the scandal. no i can't handle three nights, so i shudder to think. when the nights turn to weeks, am i alright?

Thu, 27 Apr 2006 01:39:04 GMT

i know i talk about quitting lax sometimes because all that i have on my plate right now and whatever, but as stupid as it sounds its games like tonight that keep me going. it was amazing. seriously. 1:11 love! thats where its at.

i also decided that someone is throwing me a suprise birthday party this year because ive always wanted one. ha. so yeah, thanks. :]

oh! and i pretty much have a new job. getting paid to get tan. scooore!

Mon, 24 Apr 2006 00:17:11 GMT

i want to be five years old again.